Growing up my mom always told me things like, “it is always about the quality of your friendships, not the quantity.” or “some people are in your life for a reason, some people for a season, others for a lifetime.” (see mom, I listen) Over the course of my life not just my sobriety, my friends have changed just like anyone elses would. I’m sitting here writing this tonight, because I feel so abundantly blessed to have the people in my life that I do right now in this moment. I have had good friends, I have had bad friends. I have been a good friend, and I have been a bad friend. It’s been the Melissa show at times and other times it has been all about the people around me. I’ve had give and take friendships, I’ve had friendships where I just give, and I have had friendships where I just take. I believe everyone has gone through times like all of what I described in their life, and if they haven’t I am sure they will. Lately though, it has been such a lovely mix of give and take with my friends, all of them. We give each other advice, we take advice, we celebrate the good, and sometimes we just listen when the other is having a bad time.
Tonight, talking to one of my best friends, I said “but when I love someone, I really love someone.” This is what inspired me to write this. It couldn’t be more true. I believe God gives us family, and I also believe God gives us friends. Some friends have been with me for the long haul, since 4th grade. Others, since I have had just a few days sober. Within the past few years, I have made some new friends, that truly feel like they are my old friends. Of course, with gaining friends, I have also lost friends. Some of which has been entirely my fault, and I am sure I have caused harm as harm has been caused to me. I do know though that all of my friends serve or have served their purpose in my life, and I like to think I have had my purpose in theirs. If I ever said I love you, know I still do and love you all equally, and for different reasons. I have the girls I can bare my soul to, the girls I can go out and have a great time with, the girls who I know will pick up the phone at any hour and come to me if needed, as I would do for them. These girls are my sisters, not my blood, but by choice. Through hell or high water. I have been taught how to be a friend and how to receive a friend through them all at different times in different ways.
I sometimes find myself borderline resentful at my friends because I love them so much and to watch them suffer or make mistakes that I know are harming them, harms me. It might be selfish, it might be codependent, or it just might be plain old love for my people. I’m sure they have gone through similar feelings watching me do things they know will hurt me in the end, or that they disagree with. The thing is, we still show up and we still support each other. I’ve been told I do this because of my “insecure attachment style,” but what does that therapist know anyhow? (joking that’s literally exactly what it is) All I know is if you consider me a friend, know I have your back. I will show up and love unconditionally, we will kick scream and claw (or laugh) our way through whatever life throws at you, and we will get through it all together. In a way it all ties back to my moms little season, reason, lifetime saying. So this one goes out to my girls, may you know I will always be by your side no matter what the circumstances are because I know for sure you will be by mine. Love y’all more.
This is me. Authentic. Sober. Me. 