Six years later and my mom still tells me how proud of me she is and that she is grateful I found sobriety. We just hung up the phone and one of the last things she said was, “I’m just so happy you’re alive.” That really hit home for me for a number of reasons, because I don’t wake up every day and think “I’m just so happy to be alive.” Not that I don’t want to be alive, but I just think I’m a healthy, regular 26 year old girl/woman who is trying to figure it all out. I thank God every night for another day sober, but I don’t always think about it – it’s more out of routine.
This past Friday my fiancé and I closed on our new house, and my mom walked in and cried when she saw it for the first time. I was confused at first, and then it hit me. She never thought she’d see the day I was a homeowner, or had a successful career, or was engaged to a man who truly loved every part of me inside and out. To be honest, I never thought I would see these days either. But they’re here, and they’re amazing, and they’re scary and I’m just trying to soak it all up and tell you guys about it.
I’m honestly sitting here crying writing this, in my almost empty apartment that served me so well this last year. We fully move into the new house later this week, so life is extremely chaotic right now. I knew I had to get something out on paper (keyboard) because of how riddled with stress I have been. In the last 30 days, I got a promotion, and was told our offer was accepted on a house (all in the same day) while sitting on my best friends couch. So you can do the math and figure out what the last 30 days of life have looked like – if your calculations equal insane, then you’re hitting the nail on the head. “These are problems you always wanted to have,” I try and tell myself, but sometimes that doesn’t cut it. Sometimes, I need to call my mom and get grounded back on planet earth and reminded that it wasn’t always going to look this way for me. Sometimes, I need to meditate and remember that I’m getting exactly what I prayed for—not on the timeline I wanted I, or in the wrapping paper I expected, but this is it, its here and it is all happening.
There have been a lot of tears shed this past month, tears of gratitude, tears out of fear, and just tears because I am who I am (if you’re my friends reading this you’ll understand). This last year has been really trying in some ways, and I’m happy to wrap it up on such a positive note but positivity doesn’t always equal not scary. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, but I have the best people surrounding me, loving me, and rooting me on. All because I’m sober. All because I’m present for this today, and able to show up and see what God does for me. This isn’t a look at me look at what I’ve done blog, it’s a look at what God has done blog, it’s a look at what surrounding myself with people who love me unconditionally and push me to be the best me I can be has done blog, it’s a look at what sobriety can do blog. I hope if you’re reading this, and sobriety is new and scary and weird that you buckle up and enjoy the ride, because I’m just so happy you’re alive.
This is me. Authentic. Sober. Me. 