Everyone always talks about the good stuff happening for them on social media. No one discusses the hard, the ugly, the truth, the reality. I’m here to tell you – life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies, which means sobriety isn’t either. My last blog post I discussed closing on our new house, getting promoted, and planning my wedding.. What about all of the stress and fear that comes with that? Everyone says congratulations, but no one says beware. With a new house comes new bills, with a promotion comes more work and added stress, add in planning a wedding in a foreign country to the mix and you have yourself a chaotic few months which is why I’ve been quiet, which is why I haven’t wrote, which is why I have decided to write this tonight, because if I’m going to invite you all into my life; it can’t just be for the good times, you can see the scary times too.
I hosted my first Christmas for my family this past weekend, and I cried when everyone left. I still don’t quite know why I cried, but I think it was a mix of gratitude and also a fear of failure. I proceeded to call my mom two days later and tell her I’m quitting life and coming home to her house. Not because I don’t want any of the amazing things I have, but because all of the amazing things I have come with new fears that I haven’t had before. Fear is fear, and I know from experience that I’ll get through it but sometimes running home to mommy and curling up in bed seems really ideal.
Life can be good and bad at the same time. It doesn’t always have to be black and white. There is a gray area that things can fall into, that an amazing woman reminds me of everyday. The gray is scary, it’s a mix of everything being amazing and everything being terrible at once. It’s a combination of faith and fear. Anyone who tells you there isn’t room for both at the same time, is lying. I can invite God in, trust he’ll do all the work that needs to be done, and still have fear that it won’t turn out how I want it to be. That’s life, and trust me I’m here for the ride.. but sometimes I want to get off before the next upside down part if that makes any sense.
SO here I am, living in the gray. Practicing acceptance, and trying so very hard to trust that no matter how things turn out I know that one day it will all be mostly everything I’ve prayed for, because right now in this moment I do have all the things I prayed for. It’s here. Its happening. Its scary. But its also really good. In the gray we will stay, and I will try to remain grateful while it’s all happening.
This is growing up, and I’m just extra blessed that I have a chance to do it sober.
Talk soon, xoxo
This is me. Authentic. Sober. Me. 