Sometimes its just all really dark inside my head. There are days I don’t have words, energy, or much of anything to give. My therapist calls it “clinical depression,” I put a spin on it and call it the depressys. It’s cuter. Life can be really gray for me, and many others who are too scared to openly talk about it (rightfully so) because mental illness gets this weird rap around it as if we’re broken people. It’s actually humorous to me that I will tell a stranger I used to shoot heroin, but saying I take medicine everyday to help me function seems much more frightening. That is a stigma, that I hope to help smash.
“But your life is so perfect, you have the job, the house, the fiancé, the dog, you have it all.” Thank you for the reminder. I’m aware my life externally appears to be “perfect,” but that doesn’t keep it from getting dark. It doesn’t prevent me from needing to take my medicine every morning, and it doesn’t stop me from having these weeks that appear endless where I truly don’t want to get out of bed or do much of anything. The outsides don’t stop me from wanting to curl up in a ball and not participate in any of it. But I’m here. I’m writing, I’m releasing it, I’m setting the depressys free.
The depressys have struck again, and it is really hard to strike back sometimes. Lucky for me, I have a support system like no other who love me through the grey days when everything seems too heavy. A fiancé who asks me 30829 times what is wrong, even though I don’t have an answer, with hopes I’ll just have some issue he can fix—although we both know we just have to ride the wave. “Try this med, try this vitamin, take this, do this. More therapy, more AA, more everything.”-everyone in my life. It makes me want to scream. There isn’t more of anything that will take the cloud away, there is just riding the wave until it takes me back to shore again really. And trusting that God will be along for the ride with me. And that’s ok.
I’m not writing this because I want to talk about me, I’m writing this because I want to talk about you. The you who is in the depressys and feels they won’t end, please don’t suffer alone. Please open your mouth, pick up a pen, do something, LET IT OUT. Set yourself free. There is another side to be seen, when you appreciate the feeling of the sun on your skin, the sound of the silent night, when you have the energy to get up again. There is help available for everyone one way or another, you just have to seek it. I know the world is heavy sometimes, and I know it can be too much to walk through by yourself.
Stigmas are a real son of a bitch. I saw something one day that really stuck with me, and it was something along the lines of, “we live in a world where you break your arm and everyone wants to sign your cast, but you say you have a mental illness and everyone runs the other way.” That’s actually unacceptable to me. If you’re reading this, and everyone has ran away, I won’t. I’m here, and I will help you find others who will be here too because this is all too heavy to carry alone.
Suicide prevention hotline 800-273-8255
This is me. Authentic. Sober. Me. 